“I think a person’s life is supposed to be like a DVD. You can see the version everyone else sees, or you can choose the director’s cut and see the way they wanted you to see it, before everything else got in the way. There are menus, probably, so you can start at the good spots and not have to relive the bad ones. You can measure your life by the number of scenes you’ve survived, or the minutes you’ve been stuck there.”
—Nineteen Minutes, Jodi Picoult (via copulatedkiss)
November 2009
love lesson number eighteen
stay sober (sometimes)
several years ago, I ran into an old friend in downtown Austin. It was a Thursday night, nothing out of the ordinary. It was not a holiday or a birthday, just your average Thursday night.
So I was kind of surprised to see this friend so sloppy drunk and shitfaced. He was slurring his words and trying to pay for my drink and halfway asking me how I had been and how I was doing. But he kept falling over a little bit and knocking things over and checking with the bartender on his next drink.
So he was having a tough time paying any kind of attention to me.
It was the same feeling I had when I attended a friend’s birthday dinner a couple of years ago. We were at a long table, with bottles of wine scattered across it. A friend of ours knew the chef, so there were plates and plates of food coming and there was a general sense of bonhomie and celebration and generosity.
I sat next to someone who kept drinking, glass after glass of red wine. This someone happens to be a beautiful woman. There is something about watching a beautiful woman get drunk that is disconcerting. And unseemly. One moment she is capable and controlled, and the next minute, she can’t focus her eyes, she appears tired.
She has lost her sparkle and shine.
I told you about my friend in Austin first, because he is a he and this is not a sexist thing. This is a human thing.
A drunk person is thoroughly unattractive, regardless of gender. Because they are not present.
What you offer to someone, when you are their friend, girlfriend, employee, whatever, is your presence. You - just showing up and being alert and attentive and directing your energy towards a person/a project/anything really – that is your presence.
If you are drunk, you cannot be present. A part of you is present, but not all of you.
So this beautiful woman, we tried to keep her from driving that night, but she insisted she was fine. I still feel bad that we were not more insistent, because this was not safe. She got home just fine, though. Nine times out of ten, driving home when you are sort of ok but sort of not, nothing happens.
I think we have all been there, at one time or another. You have a little bit too much to drink, but you are not exactly drunk. So you drive. If you are lucky, no one gets hurt or a DUI or a mangled car or face. But sometimes something does happen.
I saw Tracey Gold on Oprah a few years back. She had a DUI and a terrible accident, in which her kids were in the backseat. She is incredibly lucky that she survived, and her kids survived, all in one piece and without significant injury.
Before you judge her for driving drunk with her kids, and dismiss her as another f/ed up celebrity, which would be an easy judgment to make, these were the circumstances. Her and her husband packed the kids into the car and they all went to a barbecue at a friend’s house. When she arrives, her friend hands her a glass of wine.
On occasion, her glass is refilled, but she loses track - because the glass is half full, but then someone fills it up again. Then she sets her glass down and loses it and she’s trying to keep up with her kids, too, and talk to people, and then someone hands her another glass. By the end of the evening, her husband had had a lot to drink, too. It was decided that it was better that she drive home, as to her memory at the time, she had only had a couple of glasses of wine.
A friend asked if really, she should drive, and offered to drive her and her kids home. She declined, embarrassed to admit to having maybe, but not definitely, having had too much to drink to drive home.
Again, I think we have all been there.
But I think we also all know better.
At the end of the show, Tracey said that as it stands now, she will not even have one drink and drive. Because as you drink, you start to lose your judgment. You think, oh I will have one more. And by the time you have that second drink, you think of course I can drive home! And run a marathon and cook a five course meal and do any number of things that you wouldn’t feel capable of if you were sober.
I don’t drink very much. I go through periods where I don’t drink for weeks at a time. I don’t have a glass of wine for dinner every night, only every once in a while. When I do drink, my volume rises, I get maybe a little silly, maybe a little inappropriate. Though not too much so, and I am so glad that I am not a mean drunk.
Those people are the worst.
I am just more likely to let the running commentary in my brain, which is not unlike the CNN ticker, become verbalized. This ranges from the direct (are we going to make out later tonight?) to the observational (oh you can tell she totally wants to f him or, wow…why is his toe so big?) This is embarrassing in its own regard, but also mostly harmless.
I couldn’t even tell you the last time I got the spins or threw up or anything like that, from drinking.
It’s interesting to me that I probably drink more on dates than with my friends. This is in part because what else are you going to do on the first couple of dates (I don’t usually get past those first few dates, ok) but then also I am a little nervous. I don’t know.
I had a date once to get thai food, at a BYOB place. For some reason, I started getting really nervous before this date. I was at best, halfway interested in this person so I am not sure why I started sweating profusely before he was supposed to pick me up. But I did.
Actually now that I think about it, it’s because he was one of these guys in his midthirties who was clearly ready to settle down and dating with that intention. I could sense that, without him saying anything.
That made me really uncomfortable, like it was an encroachment on my space.
I have got to work on this space issue. But there are these guys, who hit a certain age when all their buddies have gotten married, and they are one of the last ones standing. Their approach is clear and calculated. It begins to feel like what they want is an abstract (a wife) instead of a person.
It freaks me out.
Anyways, so we show up at the thai place and he thought for a minute that he had forgotten the wine. So I started sweating even more. It’s possible I went into the restroom and put more deodorant on in the middle of the date.
Even though I do not seem that way, I am a little shy but even more importantly, I am intensely aware of what someone wants or expects of me. I can feel that on dates.
Drinking makes it easier.
The thing is, I’m not exactly a big girl (with the exception of my bottom) so I am a total lightweight. I am also a pretty terrible driver, so I think I would be wise to commit to Tracey Gold’s philosophy. This is not even a situation I face very often, but still. This is like the (not) doing the business decision.
You need to make a decision before the situation arises (no pun intended) and then stick to it.
Seems so radical, though, doesn’t it?
on a separate note: one reason (among many) that my dad is a good dad: in high school, he sat me down once and said that if I were ever in a situation where I was out and I didn’t feel like I could drive home (or that my friends or boyfriend couldn’t drive) I could call home and ask him to come pick me up. and he would come and get me.
no questions asked, no getting into trouble.
the thing is I am not in high school anymore. I’m responsible for taking care of myself. And let’s be honest. I am not coordinated to begin with. I am not sure I could touch my finger to my nose and walk a straight line, even when I am stone cold sober. In part because I have a hard time paying attention and listening to directions. But I also for some reason can’t focus on something when I know someone is watching me. I feel put on the spot…observed.
I don’t even want to tell you how many times I have been unable to open a door because I can sense the person behind me watching me. It is in those moments that I am so grateful for my master’s degree.
The moral of the story, yall, is to try to stay sober in situations in which your presence is required. Driving is one of those situations. You know for yourself what your limits are. Either way,
I know you’ll do the right thing.
I’m going to try to, too.
“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”
—He’s Just Not That Into You (via fuckyeahhappy) (via filmquotes)
“You see, the thing is,” he says after we’ve both sat for a while in the sunshine, “the thing is that love is really the most important thing. I know it’s hard for you to see it now” - he chuckles quietly- “but when I first laid eyes on your mother I thought she was fantastic, and I’ve never stopped loving her, not for a second. Oh yes, we’ve had our rough patches, and she can be a bit of an old battle-ax at times, but I still love her. That in-love feeling at the beginning settles down into a different, familiar sort of love, but it has to be there right from the start, otherwise it just won’t work.”
—Jane Green, Mr. Maybe (via daphneemarie)
October 2009
Today for Halloween, I had to pass out candy to the little kids. When I looked to my neighbor’s yard, he just left a bucket full of candy with a sign saying “Please take two” and there was a garbage can right next to it. I saw a little kid laugh and try to take a handful, until my neighbor popped out of the trash can in a mask yelling ” I SAID TAKE TWO!” The kid ran away crying. This happened about 18 more times. MLIA
“A time comes in your life when you finally get it.. when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, ‘Enough!’ Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change.. or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you.. And in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.. And that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with…and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve…and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone…and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.”
—(via poeticheartache)
Listen
Sweet Caroline | Mark Salling
♥♥♥
Listen
it’s my life / confessions | cast of glee
sleight - i hope this does the trick.
“The world breaks us all. Afterward, some are stronger at the broken places.”
—Ernest Hemingway (via copulatedkiss) (via heartwarming)
Listen
Superhuman - Chris Brown.
“But every problem is gone because I flew everywhere with love inside of me. It’s unbelievable to see how love could set me free.”
“Awkward moments define me. I’d sleep all day if I could. I lack the capability to keep my mouth closed. Yeah, everyone has bad days, I just have more frequent ones. If you don’t like me, don’t act like you do; it really won’t offend me. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I have accepted way less than I deserve.”
—(via poeticheartache) (via shesfadingsoftly)
Sometimes you have to take a step back & realize what's important in your life - what you can live with, but more importantly what you can't live without.
(via poeticheartache)
“Eat that damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw a picture with crayons like you’re still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, paint each nail a different color, take a bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day, learn a new language, write a song, date someone you wouldn’t usually go for, make a scrap book, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the un-kissed, hug the un-hugged, love the unloved, and live your life to the fullest. So when you’re standing in front of heaven’s gate that chosen day, you’ll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments.”
—(via copulatedkiss)
“We choose the dumbest things to go the hardest for.”
—Nas (via whitneyj) (via dynamicdialectic) (via hiphop-quotables) (via ashadeofgrey) (via theamazon) (via jmsc) (via quote-book)
“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”
—Yoda (via dirtyhumans) (via riskeverythingfearnothing) (via nihilnoetia) (via gottfried)
“the silence, in the deep heart of the dark, you’ll hear the distant trickling of the blood in your veins. A weary world of rivers, hauling their pain through the dark heat. The heart like a tom-tom, beating the message that time is running out. You’ll lie there strangely alert. You’ll actually feel the inside of your body, which is your soul, or where your soul is, and a great sadness will engulf you. And from the sadness an itch might begin, the itch of desire for change.”
—Candy - Luke Davies
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
—Ernest Hemingway (via kari-shma) (via quote-book) (via decompose) (via copulatedkiss)
“You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.”
—The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via cowgirlblues) (via fantasticbyaccident) (via presidents) (via kickthecan) (via copulatedkiss)
“I wish It could be simple, like a retro pop song. “I want you to want me” boom, end of story. We all live happily ever after. But it’s never really like that, is it?”
—John Tucker Must Die (via eletheowl - invisiblestars - heelsoverheadoverheels - kailaraining) (via littlemissdorkette) (via bumblebee12)
“Some people expect things to fall into their lap. Oh, they might work a bit for it. “I’ll just shake that tree, and if I shake it long enough, that pretty red apple will plop right into my hand.” Never occurs to them that they might have to climb the tree, fall out a couple of times, and get some scrapes and bruises before they get to that apple. Because if the apple is worth wanting, it’s worth risking a broken neck.”
—Nicholas Sparks (via poeticheartache)
“I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life.”
—Conor Oberst (via brokenmachine) (via dondante) (via thingsgohazy) (via washingtonsunshine) (via bumblebee12)
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.”
—J.K Rowling (via gildedbutterflies-)
“…And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope they feel it’s enough. I really do because they’ve made me happy. And I’m only one person.”
—Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower) (via gildedbutterflies-)
Today, my brother came charging into my room asking me to help him get ready. He was a pirate and I realised the costume didn’t have a parrot to go with it. So I gave him my cuddly toy of Melman from Madagascar and tied it to his shoulder. An hour later I got a text saying, “Everybody loves Melman, and all the girls think I’m cute cause I watch Madagascar. Thanks!” He was at a college party. You’re welcome big brother, you’re welcome. MLIA
Play
Today, I was in the toilet at school, lamenting the fact that all the cool MLIA-worthy stuff happens in America, and in England, we’re boring. At that moment, I opened the cubicle door to see a 6ft cardboard cut-out of Professor Severus Snape standing a few feet away. I screamed. They filmed it. Not only has my faith in England’s youth been restored, I got Snaped. MLIA
“Life is too brief a journey to be scared of taking risks, especially the ones that have the chance of making you happy.”
—Donna Schoenrock (via copulatedkiss)
“Sometimes it takes hundreds of miles and hours of quiet bus rides to make you remember how much you love someone. I can’t sleep. And I miss you. And the city and I haven’t been breathing the same. It’s never easy, regardless of the season.”
—(via poeticheartache)
“Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feelings a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day and someone, or something, will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in our world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.”
—One Tree Hill (via copulatedkiss) (via andafterall)
“Relationships without communication are like cars without gas, they don’t go anywhere.”
—Anonymous (via gelalalove) (via pinkeezy) (via spareunderthemat)
“Go home. Sleep on it. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”
—Grey’s Anatomy (6x07) (via heartwarming)
Play
Listen
Rihanna // Russian Roulett
“Maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year
I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
and this is my reaction to everything I fear
cause I’ve been going crazy I don’t want to waste another minute here” — all time low ♥ (via lolofosho)
I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
and this is my reaction to everything I fear
cause I’ve been going crazy I don’t want to waste another minute here” — all time low ♥ (via lolofosho)
Play
